SEXUAL
ASSAULT
SERVICES
ORGANIZATION

Information for Those Who Care About Someone Victimized By Sexual Assault

Anyone of any age or lifestyle can be the victim of sexual abuse. A woman, man, or child of either sex, may receive unwanted sexual intercourse, touching or attention (including verbal or physical harassment, strange phone calls, attempted attacks). By and large, however such acts are committed against children and women. In writing this we include all sexual assault/harassment victims. We hope our ideas help you to offer emotional support and comfort to the victims, for more then anyone else, those closest to a victim of sexual abuse influence how s/he will deal with that abuse.

As a support person, try to realize that s/he is very different from the myths about rape victims, which we hear in our society. S/he is not a freak. (One out of every three women will be assaulted in their lifetime). S/he is not ruined by the assault. S/he is not now only half a person. S/he did not under any circumstances “ask” to be raped. Rape victims aren’t that different from other people in need or in crisis. A similar situation might be our reaction to a loved one who becomes ill. How would we treat that person? We would probably express concern for her/his well-being. We might be attentive and let her/him know we are eager to help her/him. We would also give her enough distance and peace and quiet to rest and recover. For a victim, the rape may draw out additional things that are bothering her at the time, for after all, rape does not occur in a vacuum. Other events can shape her/his life and can influence how she deals with the assault. For example, a woman may be unhappy with her marriage or other relationships, but only under the stress of her rape do these problems surface.

Because sex is the means of abuse in sexual assault, the experience can affect a victim’s sexuality. For adult victims, sexuality can become linked with force and violence that can then cause a victim to have strong negative feelings about sex. However, an understanding partner with patience can help a victim rediscover consensual, enjoyable sex. Adolescent victims need to be told that rape is not sex, and that all sexual experiences aren’t violent or forceful. Parents need to remember that children do have sexual feelings and parents don’t need to fear or deny these when they attempt to make clear the difference between rape and other sexual experiences.

An important role for you, as a victim’s support person, is creating for her/him an environment of openness about her assault. Encourage her/him to talk about the experience. Acknowledge her/his feelings and legitimize them for her by acceptance of them and not denying them. (An example of denial: “You shouldn’t feel paranoid…”). Avoid trivializing the experience with comments like, “you’re overreacting” or “you’re just paranoid, after all, you weren’t really raped.” Accept her/his version of her/his experience and support it. By encouraging openness and offering affection you can help her/him recover. But above all, if you feel uncomfortable doing this, tell her/him so and help her/him find someone who can replace you as a support person. S/he will feel your discomfort and may think that it is a reflection on her/him (or you could speak with a counselor who could help you feel comfortable and make this a learning, growing experience for you and your relationship with the victim).

Because you are close to her/him, you can also be affected by her/his assault. You have a right to your own feelings, but not at the expense of her/his. Constantly expressing your thoughts or feeling makes only you feel better (often at the emotional expense of the very person you are trying to help). What may feel good for you may easily be painful to a victim. Often a victim may feel reassured by your anger and courage, but avoid forcing her/him to share your anger or worry about what you may do. The possibility of your acting out your violent anger may force her/him to hide the assault from you because “you will kill him”. S/he needs care, and should be the main focus of attention, not you. As the parent of an assaulted/abused child, you have the right to be upset, but be careful how you show this to your child. Be sure s/he doesn’t assume that s/he has caused the hurt you feel nor feels responsible or guilty for what has happened.

Friends, families and lovers aren’t the only people with whom a victim must come into contact. S/he has close contact with a variety of other people; people such as roommates, acquaintances, and co-workers who all need to know how s/he feels. Most sexual assault victims are very sensitive and alert to how they are seen by those around them. They may be especially concerned that the rape has changed them visibly and that all who look at them can tell that they are victims. A woman or man who has been raped may also be afraid that s/he will never get back to “normal” (for her/him, whatever life was like before the assault). These feelings can be very frightening. Her/his recovery from this threatening event can be affected by your reaction to her/him. You may feel a need to separate yourself from her/his experience and convince yourself that such things couldn’t happen to you. Putting distance between the two of you may result in your withdrawal from her/him, depriving the support and care that s/he really needs. Don’t shun her/him because, for a while at least, s/he may remind you of a violent act and of your chances of being a victim. Withdrawal from her/him can’t make you safer, but can make her/him feel isolated and different.

Many people who are sexually assaulted make lifestyle changes during the first year after the experience, getting a dog, changing the locks or demanding locks be used, moving to a new home/apartment, changing jobs or changing behavior (not going out at night, not going to bars, etc.). These are not purposeless acts, for they may be necessary for her/his sense of protection. Any person who has had an experience in which the world becomes threatening and dangerous will feel a need to make adjustments. By making these changes, victims take action that will hopefully help her/him in taking control of her/his life and this is an important part of recovering from rape. This may be at some inconvenience to you. For example, learning to live with a dog, not leaving her/him alone if s/he doesn’t want to be, or locking the outside doors as you leave or enter her/his home. For her/him these steps are nothing small or inconvenient. They are important and shouldn’t be rejected by you. S/he has experienced a significant traumatic event, which tells her/him the world isn’t the safe place s/he had thought it was.

Women, men and children who have been raped or molested don’t “get over” the experience, because to “get over” it suggests that they forget it. Most of us remember many of our life’s experiences, some pleasant, some unpleasant. When someone close to us is sexually assaulted we want her/him to get over it, to forget about it. We want her/him (and ourselves) to stop hurting. Such pressure by us denies her/him feelings and denies they way rape has changed her/his life. S/he must blend this experience into her/his other life experiences, and s/he must do so at her/his own pace. A sexual assault will always have an effect on its victims, and these are just a few ways in which we can cope with the effect.