SASO

Supporting a Loved One

Someone I Love Has Been Sexually Assaulted. . . What Can I Do Now?

More then anyone else, those closest to a victim of sexual abuse influence how she will deal with that abuse.
We hope our ideas help you to offer emotional support and comfort to someone who has been victimized.

Anyone of any age, gender, race, sexual orientation, class, nationality or ability can be the victim of sexual abuse. Women, men, and children of any gender may be subjected to unwanted sexual intercourse, touching or attention (including verbal or physical harassment, strange phone calls or attempted attacks). By and large, however, such acts are committed against children and women. In writing this we include all sexual assault/harassment victims.

As a support person, try to realize that your loved one is very different from the myths about rape victims we hear in our society.
She is not a freak. 1 out of every 3 women will be assaulted in their lifetime.
She is not ruined by the assault. Survivors can and do heal from an assault.
She is not now only “half a person.”
She did not under any circumstances “ask” to be raped.
Rape victims aren’t that different from other people in need or in crisis. Picture your reaction to a loved one who becomes ill. How would you treat that person? You would probably express concern for her well being. You might be attentive and let her know you are eager to help her. You might also give her enough distance, peace and quiet to rest and recover. For a victim, the rape may draw out additional things that are bothering her at the time, because after all, rape does not occur in a vacuum. Other events can shape her life and can influence how she deals with the assault. For example, a woman may be unhappy with her marriage or other relationships, but only under the stress of her rape do these problems surface.

Because sex is the means of abuse in sexual assault, the experience can affect a victim’s sexuality. For adult victims, sexuality can become linked with force and violence that can then cause a victim to have strong negative feelings about sex. However, with patience, an understanding partner can help a victim rediscover consensual, enjoyable sex. Adolescent victims need to be told that rape is not sex, and that all sexual experiences aren’t violent or forceful. Parents need to remember that children do have sexual feelings and parents don’t need to fear or deny these when they attempt to make clear the difference between rape and other sexual experiences.

An important role for you, as a victim’s support person, is creating for him an environment of openness about his assault. Encourage him to talk about the experience. Acknowledge his feelings and legitimize them by accepting what he is feeling, not denying or trying to change his emotions. (An example of denial: “You shouldn’t feel paranoid…”). Avoid trivializing the experience with comments like, “you’re overreacting” or “you’re just paranoid, after all, you weren’t really raped.” Accept his version of his experience and support it. By encouraging openness and offering affection you can help him recover. But above all, if you feel uncomfortable doing this, share that with him and help him find someone who can replace you as a support person. He will feel your discomfort and may think that it is a reflection on him. You could also speak with a counselor who could help you feel comfortable and make this a learning, growing experience for you and your relationship with the victim.

Because you are close to her, you can also be affected by her assault.
You have a right to your own feelings, but not at her expense. Constantly expressing your thoughts or feelings may make you feel better, but may easily be painful to a victim. Often she may feel reassured by your anger and courage, but avoid forcing her to share your anger or worry about what you may do. The possibility of you acting out your violent anger may force her to hide the assault from you because “you will kill him.” She needs care, and should be the main focus of attention, not you. As the parent of an abused child, you have the right to be upset, but be careful how you show this to your child. Be sure she doesn’t assume that she has caused the hurt you feel nor feels responsible or guilty for what has happened.

Friends, families and lovers aren’t the only people with whom a victim must come into contact. He has close contact with a variety of other people; people such as roommates, acquaintances, and co-workers who all need to know how he feels. Most sexual assault victims are very sensitive and alert to how they are seen by those around them. They may be especially concerned that the rape has changed them visibly and that all who look at them can tell that they are victims. A woman or man who has been raped may also be afraid that he will never get back to “normal.” These feelings can be very frightening. His recovery from this threatening event can be affected by your reaction to him. You may feel a need to separate yourself from his experience and convince yourself that such things couldn’t happen to you. Putting distance between the two of you may result in your withdrawal from him, depriving him of the support and care that he really needs. Don’t shun him because, he may remind you of a violent act and of your chances of being a victim. Withdrawal from him can’t make you safer, but can make him feel isolated and different.

Many people who are sexually assaulted make lifestyle changes during the first year after the assault, such as getting a dog, changing the locks, moving to a new home, changing jobs or changing their “normal” behavior (not going out at night, not going to bars, etc.). These are not purposeless acts, for they may be necessary for her sense of protection. Any person who has had an experience in which the world becomes threatening and dangerous will feel a need to make adjustments. By making these changes, victims take action that will hopefully help her to take control of her life, which is an important part of recovering from rape. These changes may cause you some inconvenience, since it can be difficult to learn to live with a dog, not leave your loved one alone if she doesn’t want to be, or always lock the outside doors as you come and go from her home. For her these steps are nothing small or inconvenient. They are important and you shouldn’t reject them. She has experienced a significant traumatic event, which tells her the world isn’t the safe place she thought it was.

Women, men and children who have been raped or molested don’t “get over” the experience, because to “get over” it suggests that they forget it. Most of us remember many of our life’s experiences, some pleasant, some unpleasant. When someone close to us is sexually assaulted we want him to get over it, to forget about it. We want him (and ourselves) to stop hurting. Such pressure by us denies his feelings and denies the way rape has changed his life. He must blend this experience into his other life experiences, and he must do so at his own pace. Sexual assault will always effect its victims, and these are just a few ways in which we can cope with those effects.